Move Over, Tinder.

Just a few short years ago I remember thinking the concept of online dating was still totally taboo. To me, the people who took part in online dating were middle-aged homebodies who had to fight with their cats for the keyboard. But now, it’s everywhere. It’s considered entirely acceptable to meet your significant other on Tinder or match.com. In fact, I have a couple good girlfriends who met their wonderful boyfriends on Tinder. And no, they are not serial killer rapists. They’re normal, good dudes.

WILL YOU DATE ME!?! via reddit.com

PLEASE DATE ME!!!

Although my opinion of online dating has evolved, there is still the, frankly, ridiculous sites that make me cringe every time I see a commercial or hear an ad on the radio: Christian Mingle (wait, christians actively date?), Farmers Only (people want to live on farms?) or, my personal favorite, J Date. Ah, J Date, a desperate woman’s ‘land of milk and honey’ for finding a rich old Jew to spend forever with. Mazel Tov.

But if you think you’ve heard it all, you are so horribly wrong. Marie Claire published a list of dating websites that match you based on shared interests or characteristics. And let me be up front with you when I say that if you are on any of these sites we probably should no longer, or ever, interact together. I am ashamed of you and you deserve to spend eternity forever alone. Here they are:

alikewise.com – A site to find other people who loved Twilight as much as you. It matches you based on your literary tastes.

tastebuds.fm – ‘You like crying all alone to Sinead O’ Connor too? Let’s build on that.’ It matches you based on your music library.

creditscoredating.com – Exactly as it sounds.

singleswithfoodallergies.com – Again, exactly as it sounds. And no, I did NOT make this one up.

Wait-whatprescription4love.com – No, it’s not a site to watch old Ladies Man skits with Tim Meadows. This is the site that romantically matches you based on medical conditions you share! Because being in a relationship where one individual has crippling anxiety already isn’t bad enough. That’s fine, I didn’t want to leave the house ever again anyway.

datebytype.com – Matches you by blood type. Ugh.

genepartner.com – Legit CSI activity going on here. This site matches you based on your DNA compatibility which is ever-so-elegantly gathered by saliva samples.

NOPE!

NOPE!

And last, but certainly not least:  findyourfacemate.com – Because who wouldn’t want to date someone who looks similar to THEMSELVES. (Shudder.)

Just don’t. Please. I beg you.

Until next time…

Thanks for the lay…now get out.

I am not a frequent reader of Elle magazine, but when I stumbled upon their monthly advice column Ask E. Jean, I found myself reading with my mouth literally open in what was either astonishment or difficulty breathing due to the local high pollen alert. Either way, the first question that a devoted Elle reader wrote immediately caught my attention. Without boring you with the details, I’ll get to the good stuff. She writes:

My girlfriends and I want to know why men we meet keep sleeping over after sex instead of getting dressed and leaving like men are supposed to! We try to come up with the perfect way to get them to leave without making them mad, but we can’t find the words.

Before I even read the advice, I immediately thought ‘Miss Thang, don’t flatter yourself! All the dude wants is a little slap & tickle and then be on his merry way!’. But then I began thinking about a recent story from a friend of mine whose sexual escapades never cease in hilarity. In a nut shell, the same thing happened to her. The kicker? It was the same guy twice and he ended up getting furious with her when he was asked to leave! Picture this: grown adult man (although I am questioning now if “adult”
is an adequate adjective for this fellow after hearing the tantrum he threw), standing there naked, only wearing socks, yelling obscenities, and trying to make, yet failing miserably at, a grandiose exit.

So now to the dessert portion of our meal…E. Jean answers by giving these three sagely tips:

1. Immediately upon seeing him, greet him with a kiss and say, “I can’t let you keep me up too late, darling, it’s a school night.”

2. When you arrive home and reach the bedroom, whisper, “Since you have to leave so early tonight, I hope I can see you next Saturday.”

3. When you send him out at the door pop a bagel in a bag, hand it to him, and say, “Breakfast for my gangsta boy!”

You guys, I am not making this up. This was her real advice. I found myself shouting at the page, “WHAT ARE THIS WOMAN’S CREDENTIALS?!” The obvious flaw being what guy wants to be handed a bagel…it should be more like, can I get an order of Buffalo Wild Wings or a nice slab of ribeye steak on the way out? And secondly, what decent man, who does not have an oversized ego the size of their, what is sure to be, gelled up Guido hair, wants to be called anyone’s ‘gangsta boy’?

I may not be the leading expert in the field of one-night-stand-and-then-be-on-your-way-ology, but I’m even more positive that Ms. E. Jean is even less of an expert than I to have given such incredulous advice.

Until next time…