5 Current Trends I simply can’t pull off.

Disclaimer: this post is not for the heterosexual men of the world. I mean, feel free to read on, but be prepared to be bored. My fellow sisters and curious misters, however, you rock and may read on.

Anybody who spends a measly half- minute looking through a magazine, perusing Pinterest, or flipping through the channels will see makeup, hair, fashion, and various other trends that they adore. Hey I’ve been there; the new peplum trend that has taken over the fashion world? I could not love it more if I tried. I wish every top I had was a peplum. I would love to be known as “the girl who always wears peplum”. In theory, they are fantastic. On me? Not so much. Here’s where I seriously need you to stop what you are doing, mute the TV, drop the brownie, and read the following words very carefully: Just because something looks appealing on a tiny model who would look good in a towel does not mean it will look good on you. Just because a makeup tip looks spectacular on a model who just had a professional makeup artist work on her for 2 hours does not mean it will look good on you. I know, I know…the truth can hurt and quite frankly, suck, but it had to be said. With that, I give you the top 5 beauty and fashion trends that I cannot pull of, refuse to pull of, or just don’t understand.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

1. Red Lips. Elle says it’s the beauty trend of the year that is most likely to succeed. Glamour is convinced they can help you find the perfect shade for your skin tone. I, on the other hand, have completely lost all hope. I’ve tried to rock the lipstick a few times and every time I feel like a hooker. No matter what. It never fails. By the second application, I have faithfully returned to my loyal Chapstick. And can any woman on the face of the Earth wear lipstick without fear of it being all over their teeth!? I just can’t.

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach...

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach…

out on the town...

out on the town…

and all glammed up.

and all glammed up.

2. Winged Eyeliner. Elle nominated it the look with the Most Attitude. Lauren Conrad is the queen of the subtle winged eyeliner look while Adele rocks a heavy winged look. You could not find two women who look more different but look similarly fantastic with this trend. You may be thinking, well shoot, the look can be pulled off by anyone then! No. No, it can’t. It seriously takes precision and legit practice to get it right. This cannot be worn with the above mentioned red lips or you will be picked up on the street. No question. It also needs to be worn on a night when you know crying will never happen. Translation: if you know you will be partaking in any cocktails, do NOT attempt this look. Booze=drunk girl tears.

fall-2011-trend-watch-winged-eyeliner-1690083        vs.    adele10

3. Dry Shampoo. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s the gypsy in me, but when I need to wash my hair, I need to wash my hair. All the dry shampoo in the free world could not help me. I still look like I just washed ashore after the Exon Valdez spill.

4. Printed Pants. Will someone please explain this to me? I admit that I definitely live by the analogy that less is more and simple is always classic. But what the hell is going on with the floral pants? Glamour rated it as #3 of the Top 10 Dos & Don’ts (AS A DO!). Some of these pants bring back vivd memories of this nasty silk scarf my mom used to rock in the mid-nineties that had gold chains, flowers and God knows what else printed on it. I bet I could find that thing in a closet somewhere. It’s truly hideous. Then there’s the animal print pants. I already have enough of a difficult time with animal prints, why on Earth would I want them draped across my whole lower half? Just don’t. Unless you are a girl under the age of 12, please don’t. I refuse.

I can't. They all just look ridiculous.

I can’t. They all just look ridiculous.

5. Baroque Style. Ok, I just have to…my favorite line from “Beauty & the Beast”: “And as I always say, if it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” Classic. Moving on, I don’t understand this trend. It looks awkward and uncomfortable. Heavy. It reminds me of English men during the 1700 and 1800s. I already have a sweating problem, I don’t need to add metal and ridiculous adornments onto to my clothing. I think I’d feel like I’m in some kind of midievil ensemble. I just can’t. In this case, if it’s baroque, DO fix it.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

Ok, bottom line. Wear whatever the hell you want. If you want to wear a pair of hideous printed pants and you feel like a bombshell in them, then hey, you rock those suckers like there’s no tomorrow. To each their own. But the above 5 listed trends will not be owned by me. Until next time…

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And a SNIP SNIP here, a SNIP SNIP there…

NC-17 rating people! Hide yo’ kids! This post is not for the squeamish of heart! That being said, when I came across this article it was simply too fantastic to just skim over and not write about! The article, titled “A Cut Below”, in Marie Claire discusses the relatively recent phenomena that is known as….brace for it, vaginal rejuvenation. Did you squirm a little bit? Such a lovely term for such an icky procedure. I admit it, at times I can be a bit immature. Simply saying the word “vagina” makes me utterly uncomfortable. You are much more likely to hear me refer to it elegantly as the vajay or vajeen (phonetic spelling, people).

Ewwwwww.

The article begins with the author attending a two-day presentation on gynocosmetology, aka plastic surgery for one’s lady parts. My first thought was, Dear Lord, this topic needs two WHOLE days to be discussed?!!? However, apparently, it does. The big head honcho of vaginal rejuvenation goes on to tell the crowd that women are willing to pay big bucks to have an “exuberant vagina”. Now, although I am a woman, I am by no means an expert in this field, however, an exuberant vagina? What does that even mean? Mine certainly doesn’t sing karaoke or bust out in an impromptu jig from time to time. It must be a…what is the opposite of exuberant?…shy?…it must be a shy one.

Now, I will spare everyone the details of how and what is done to give one a perky “area”, but let’s get some numbers out there. According to this article, there were 53,332 vaginal rejuvenation performed by US doctors in 2009! Can I just jump on my soapbox for a minute here while I rant and rave about how utterly preposterous this is to me? For starters, some women literally do need surgery after suffering traumatic situations, pregnancies (wait, pregnancy wasn’t categorized under traumatic situations?), or diseases, such as cancer, and I would never judge someone for that. However, think of what that money could have been used for instead in these other vain circumstances! Think about the plastic surgery that some children NEED for cleft palettes or the surgery that some people NEED simply to survive…and instead, there are women out there to spend their money on such a thing. The frivolity of it all infuriates me. All for something that only a few people (ok, maybe crowds depending on who you are and what your profession is) will see anyway. Ok, whew, I feel somewhat better. Onto stat #2: more than 60% of these procedures are done on women 20-39. Um, jigga whaaaaaa?! How does the term “rejuvenation” fit in there when someone is under 40?! They still haven’t even officially gone over the hill yet to need reinvention on the other side. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, I don’t want to hear it.

The article even goes on to discuss how in many cultures women must present themselves on their wedding night as a virgin (Wait, I mean, every women does that. In all cultures. All the time. No question about it., Mom.) However, many may “fall off the wagon” before their big night. So what can we do? Should we be brave and tell our future husband? Should we do the right thing; tell the truth and build a relationship based on honesty? OR should we get a quick nip and tuck in there, also known as hymenoplasty, to physically become a virgin again? The last one…DING DING DING! One very wise professional in the field even went on to say “These surgeries save relationships. Breasts catch a man, but a tight vagina keeps him.” Don’t even get me started on the never-ending arguments to attack these ever-so-philosophical statements!

If any women out there are still pondering whether to go under the knife, I’ll conclude with the following. These surgeries can result in infection, bleeding, painful intercourse (for the rest of your life, not just in the few weeks that follow the procedure), lifelong scarring, etc. However, even more important to me, if one is thinking of doing this to “save their relationship”; STOP. Seriously, call me and I will fly to where you are to slap you across the face. You are truly delusional to think that a) this will fix anything in your relationship and b) your relationship is based on love and appreciation for one another. If it has come to this, it is not. Find someone who will love your lady parts just the way they are. Exuberant or not.

Maybe it’s just me but I always thought that all heterosexual men were happy as clams  to be anywhere in the vicinity of any aforementioned clam.

Until next time…

 

A Month of Makeup Completed

So, as some of you may remember, about a month ago I discussed a study that in a nutshell said women who wear makeup are better than those who don’t. Ok, so maybe the terms weren’t quite that harsh but you get my drift. As a result of this, I, the girl who would prefer to never wear makeup and lounge in my sweats all day, decided to wear makeup every day for a month to see if it made a difference in…well, anything.

The first thing I noticed was that I went through far more face cleaning wipes and cotton pads, toner, face wash and eye makeup remover since I now had to wash my face every night. The second thing I noticed was that I was flying through my makeup at an incredible rate since it usually takes me months and months to ever complete a tube of lipstick, a compact of powder, etc. Ugh, first world problems. On the bright side, as mentioned in one of my previous Month of Makeup updates, I also felt a bit more accomplished at the end of the day knowing that I had at least hurdled one task…so sad.

Coincidentally, however, my month-long makeup adventure ended on the same date that my new job began. That’s right, people, I am no longer unemployed and living the life of Peter from Forgetting Sarah Marshall after his heart is broken (lounging in my pj’s all day, eating huge bowls of cereal, singing sad songs about myself to make the time pass, etc). That being said, I now HAVE to wear make-up on a daily basis…well, I suppose I don’t have to, but I would never submit my co-workers to such horror.

In conclusion, after a month of makeup I didn’t notice anything different in how I presented myself, how people interacted with me, or how I was perceived. Basically, it just caused me to be annoyed that I had to cake this crap on my face every day which resulted in smudges on my pillows and an increase demand of face products when I had no money to begin with.

Take away message? Fail. Wear make-up if you want to. Wear it how you want to. Who cares how others perceive you as long as you perceive yourself as trustworthy and competent (terms used in the study). Those who love you for you aren’t going to care if you have eyeliner on or not. And those who would care?…Um, ew. Get rid of ’em.

Until next time…

A Month of Makeup Update: Day 15

I have officially reached the half-month mark. I must say…it hasn’t been nearly as atrocious as I initially thought. I can’t say that anything drastic or life-changing has occurred to make me think makeup is the answer to my first world problems. However, I have noticed that I mildly feel better about myself when I am awake and in makeup rather than lying around, without brushing my teeth all day long. Surprising, right?! I also feel like I have at least accomplished one thing at the end of the day when I have to wash my face. It’s truly the little things, people.

Also, for those of you wondering with bated breath about how my neck has been since my last Month of Makeup Update…I’m a brand new woman! I was only out of commission for one day.

Until next time…

A Month of Makeup Update: Day 2

Well folks, I lay sprawled here on my ma’s living room floor with a bag of frozen edamame propped against my neck. How did I do something whack to my neck you may ask? I was simultaneously doing two of the things I do best: laying down on my bed and reaching for my laptop. I was brought to the chiropractor against my will (no joke) where I was physically assaulted and heard bones crack that I didn’t even know existed. How this helps my current handicap I have yet to find out. As another plus to the whole experience, he asked me why I was home in the middle of the day which resulted in me having to mumble that I was unemployed and living with my mother. I wanted to tell him to shut up and do what he’s paid for but I figured that probably wouldn’t help my situation. When I finally made my way back to the car (which took me longer than the geriatric gentleman using a walker along side me) I looked at myself in the mirror and appeared as though I just woke up from a marathon night of drinking, followed by puking, and the requisite ponytail on the side of my head. I assure you, it was not a pretty sight.

So with that being said, I have not put a single drop of makeup on and have no plan to do so for the rest of the day. I am also in dire need of a shower but can’t lift my hands above my shoulders so that pretty much speaks for itself right there. I had to have my sister put my hair in a ponytail (which failed miserably and resulted in her yelling at me) soooooo I used my better judgement to not ask her to also put makeup on my pained face. I will resume my month as soon as I can stand up from the toilet without crying out in pain. True story, guys.

Until next time…

A Month of Makeup

After watching the most recent season of “The Bachelorette” I am convinced that God, for reasons I am not yet aware of, blesses some women with looks that allow them to wake up in the morning looking like they just stepped off of a photo shoot. I imagine Emily Maynard, the aforementioned Bachelorette, to wake up every morning with a halo of sun around her perfectly groomed blonde locks, her skin looking so flawless that it appears as though she walks around with a Photoshop screen in front of her face, and a chorus of angels singing “hallelujah” as she stretches her tiny little body. (Of course the veneers, nose job, and breast enlargement doesn’t hurt either, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Emily Maynard

I, on the other hand, am not so lucky. There are many-a-mornings when I wake up and want to moan in horror at the appearance that is terrifyingly reflected back at me in the mirror. Those who boldly go out with me in public when I’m sans makeup deserve serious praise and acknowledgement (when they aren’t hiding behind a shelf or counter to appear as though they surely cannot be with me. Ok, so I exaggerate. Kinda.). Some days, I just find it simply daunting to attempt to mold the canvas that is my face into something more beautiful. Unfortunately, even after I slap on a fresh coat of makeup, (which I assure you, rarely happens; especially when unemployed) I find the after not looking too different from the before image.

Which led me to literally say out loud, “O crap.” while reading a recent study conducted at Harvard and funded by P&G in Elle. In a nutshell, the researchers studied individuals’ reactions to women who were barefaced and those in varying levels of makeup and found that those wearing makeup were more likely to be perceived as amiable, trustworthy, and competent. And women who opted for a more glamorous look were perceived as more competent than women who prefered a more natural look. Essentially, other people see you differently when you are wearing makeup.

So what does this mean? I’ll tell ya what it means. It means I’m screwed. The most glamorous I get is applying an extra coat of mascara. I want to know, personally, if makeup really does work and if other people really will see me differently so I am going to wear makeup every single day for a month. I am going to put it on even if I am simply going to the gas station for a fresh bag of beef Jerkey. Even if I am just going to lounge around with my manfriend and be a slob. Even if it kills me..and it just might. I will update you throughout the month on any breaking revelations I encounter along the way, as well as post new blogs as well. Stay tuned folks.

I decided to end this blog with some less than appealing pics of celebrities without makeup. Until next time…