The Queen of Putting it Off.

Procrastination. Such a fancy word for such a simple concept. I am the worst procrastinator ever (or would it be “best procrastinator ever” since I really excel at the skill?). I operate under the idea that I do best under pressure. Whether this is actually true or just an excuse I have created to make me feel better about myself is yet to be determined.

nrm_1420204795-procrastination-flowchart-2.jpg

In college, I lived with one of my dearest friends, Katie. She was the opposite of me in every way. Aside from the fact she was (and still is) a tall, blonde goddess who woke up at the crack of dawn and went to bed while I was waking from my nap each evening, she would tackle assignments and projects days, sometimes weeks, before they were due. Disclaimer: anyone who knows Katie knows she won’t mind me calling her out as this is a widely known and respected trait of hers.

 I used to be amazed that she had the initiative to plan ahead like that. Anytime I attempt to do anything that isn’t due the next morning, I find every excuse imaginable to get off-topic. Suddenly, our bedroom desperately needs to be cleaned, dusted, vacuumed and disinfected. Laundry cannot wait one more day. Time to clean carpets and be excited about it! A TV show or movie that I normally would not give two seconds of my attention to suddenly sucks me in, and God forbid, I miss a second of which toddler wins the beloved tiara!

This obnoxious trait followed me into graduate school where I was, not surprisingly the last one of my cohort to complete their thesis. He will never say it, but it drives my husband insane that he has to remind me 153 times to do something before the deadline. I don’t really need valid tabs on my license plates, do I? A kind policeman wouldn’t possibly pull me over for having expired tabs, would they? I am smarter than this. Ugh, I just piss myself off.

 What I find strange about this entire thing is I don’t have the least bit of patience for other people who are like me! I will shout it from the rooftops that I am what I am, but God help the poor soul who is on a project with me and waits until midnight to get me their portion. I will harass them and barrage them with constant emails until I get what I need on a timeframe I deem as appropriate.

 So today, God help me. I am making an oath to myself. And I may hate you for it, but I expect my friends and family to nag me about it if they see me slacking. I need to stop thinking that putting things off is ok. It’s annoying and makes for a bigger headache down the road when I am frantically running around like an idiot trying to get a bill paid in time or get my work physical done by the deadline when I had EIGHT MONTHS to do it. I am almost 30 years old, for God’s sake. If I ever produce offspring, this is a trait of mine I hope they do not possess.

So, my dear friends and readers, what are tips and tricks you use to stay on top of life? Practical tips, please. I’m not trying to climb Mount Everest, just trying to get within it’s shadow.

Until next time…

Dear Amanda: Episode 2

As many of you know, I cannot (I repeat, CANNOT), stand the advice columns in magazines. For starters, do the people who write in not have GOOGLE, YouTube, or any semi-intelligent friends that can offer semi-legit advice? Are my girlfriends the only ones who sit around, drink wine, stuff our faces and listen to each other’s problems…followed by caring advice (“maybe making babies isn’t the best time…keep the IUD in for now”) or synonymous bitching about people we don’t even know, but don’t like because our bestie doesn’t?!? At what point do you resort to writing into a magazine for advice? Secondly, the advice the readers get is so politically correct that it makes me want to gauge my eyes out. It’s advice that is in no way, shape or form aligned to the average person in the world today. As a result, this is the column where I relay to you questions that actual readers wrote in to magazines, the advice they got, and then the advice I would give (aka the real advice).

“Ask E. Jean” is the supposed expert for Elle magazine. How a middle-aged, wealthy  British woman was determined to be someone who you would go to for general life advice is beyond me. Instead, she is someone I would want for my (possibly one day) child’s nanny. But here we go…

The real E. Jean herself.

          The real E. Jean herself.

The Question: “Standard Model” writes in stating she is an average woman living in NYC. She believes she is simply too average to attract any “romantic interest from men and establish a good career”. Her mother suggests she move to a rural town where there will be less competition in all aspects of life. Bottom line: She is questioning if she should move and if her mediocrities are keeping her from meeting a partner. 

The Response: E. Jean’s response is that it doesn’t matter where you live, the confident, flirty women win every time. She suggests that Standard Model’s mother may be onto something in that she may feel prettier, smarter, more accomplished in a smaller town.

My Response: Stop the pity party. Aside from Gisele and various other Victoria’s Secret models, we are all average woman. Get over it. Your own insecurities are what are preventing you from landing a man or the career you want. Also, may I be so bold as to state that your life and your awesomeness are not defined by whether you have a husband or a six figure salary. Next step? Tell your mom to get stuffed. Then, stop going to her for advice EVER AGAIN. What mother thinks that telling their clearly insecure daughter who is already struggling that this is sound advice?!? Good Lord. Are you a heathen? Don’t give your mom’s suggestion a second thought. Put yourself out there, do things you enjoy, step outside of your comfort zone and when you least expect it, the perfect guy and/or job will sneak up on you and take you by surprise.

Ugh, they're so hideous. Look away.

                                                 Ugh, they’re so hideous. Look away.

The Question #2: (Guys, this one is a keeper. I hope you enjoy it). “Confused and Used” writes in stating that she and a guy she works with ended up confiding in each other and getting a bit too close emotionally. This was then followed by her giving him oral sex (maybe I’m niave, but what is the rationale for stating you had an emotional conversation after the fact that his penis fell into your mouth? Pretty sure that overrides the conversation that took place, but anyway…). She then writes “He let me know I was too young for “us to have a relationship,” because he said I would “leave him when I found someone my own age.” I’m 21. He’s 37 and married. Yesterday I saw him, succumbed to temptation, and gave him oral sex again! Afterword he said he was “putting his foot down” and ending it “forever”.” Bottom line: She is questioning what she did wrong and if she should wait for him to make the next move.

The Reponse: E Jean actually gives some legit advice. In a nutshell she tells this ridiculously insane woman that she should never have fooled around with a married man, that his excuses aren’t how he really feels (he is actually afraid his wife will leave him when she finds out this 21 year child has been giving him blowies at work), that this will only hurt her career and not the dude’s, and that she needs to transfer to a different job ASAP.

My Response: Stop. Stop right now. What exactly do you feel you are getting out of this? He is getting blowies left and right, but all you are doing is setting yourself up to be hurt, be fired, or to get an STD. Don’t ever fool around with a married man ever again. Don’t ever fool around with a man you work with ever again. And don’t ever work at this place of business ever again. Leave and find a different job today.

Well, folks that is all I have on the agenda today. IF you ever feel that you have nobody to ask for advice, do yourself a favor and do not write into a magazine. Instead, ask your good ol’ friend Amanda who will tell it like it is.

Until next time…

Dear Amanda

Today was a foul day. A co-worker got canned, who let’s face it, I didn’t care for much anyway, but now have her workload to deal with. Lovely. Perhaps it is because of this extremely unpleasant mood I am presently in that I picked the current topic for today’s post.

For those of you who have read REAL SIMPLE magazine, I apologize. So much money and time wasted…it’s a shame. For starters, the magazine is geared towards middle-aged upper class women who have an abundance of time and money on their hands to fix their “problems”. Translation: Somebody like myself should not even get within a 10 foot radius of said magazine. The only reason I have had the displeasure of coming across this publication is because my twin sister got a free subscription. True story. Ok, enough bashing (but it feels so good!). Moving on…

ANYWAY, I was reading an article titled, “How do I deal with coworkers who don’t respect my boundaries?” in the Modern Manners section. The first part of my rant will deal with possible situations one might encounter in their daily work day and how to appropriately handle it.

Potential situation #1: Over time, coworkers  become comfortable with you and begin to express opinions about your personal life. So what do you do if someone gives you unsolicited advice? Answer: Put your finger to your lips and say, “Shhhh. I don’t want the boss to think that we spend all day gossiping instead of working.” O God, gag me. Don’t all bosses know their employees spend all day gossiping and not working? Duh. Have you ever watched any TV show or movie? Everybody knows that nobody REALLY works but money just magically appears. Ok, but that wasn’t even my point for this situation. If someone is giving you advice that you didn’t ask for, or more importantly, find disrespectful, tell them. There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it? If that doesn’t work, I personally have found putting my ear buds in and turning around does the trick wonderfully.

Potential situation #2: Some colleagues tend to overshare. Someone starts to talk about their sex life with you. Answer: Touch her arm gently and say, “You should be discreet about what you talk about in the office. This is private information, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want someone else to overhear.” Ok, for starters, I work with a bunch of middle-aged women who’s biggest problems are remembering to take their BEAN-O before lunch, so let’s be honest, I do not care to hear about their stories. And let’s face it, we all know that people over 40 don’t ever have sex. Right? Right, guys?!? Ew. Anyway, let’s get real. If I hear homegirl in the next cubical chatting about what homeboy and her did last night, you can bet I’m gonna pull out those ear buds and listen. No question about it. Who doesn’t want to hear this stuff?! Hey, in my opinion what I can hear over those cubicle walls might as well be spoken directly to me. Totally rational.

“Say whaaaaaaat?”

Anyway, moving on from the workplace. The column then went on to answer other “everyday” questions. Read this little kicker: “Recently my friend found a great babysitter. I asked if she would share the sitter’s information with me. To my surprise, she refused, saying I should find my own child care. I feel offended. Am I overreacting?” Now let’s just skip what the columnist responds with and go to the good choice: my response. NO, you are not overreacting! Your friend is being a gigantic biz and needs to be kicked in the face. If that doesn’t make her give up the contact information, look on Craigslist…I’m sure you could find a totally reliable and safe option on there. And no, you don’t need to worry about meeting them beforehand. So what if “Maggie” the 16 year old you hired shows up at your door as Fred, a 58 year old balding man? No big.

Totally harmless.

Until next time…