Silly Rabbit, this Crap is for You.

I remember being a little girl, opening the fridge door (most likely in hopes of discovering a hidden Capri-Sun in the veggie tray) and instead stumbled upon a cow tongue staring back at me. It was nestled in the cutest little Tupperware container and looked disgustingly out of place next to the jug of milk and the block of processed cheese. As grossed out as I was and still am by the thought of it, I do like to think my food palette is more refined than the stereotypical “Midwesterner” who thrives solely on corn and hotdish.

I am in no way, nor will I ever be, a picky eater. Put something in front of me and 99% of the time I’ll try it (except for Vegemite. Get that literal shit away from me.). However, when I came across Glamour‘s “The Salads You’ll Make All Summer” (I realize it’s now officially October…oops), I found myself thinking 1) who has this junk just laying around the ol’ pantry? and 2) who wants to eat aforementioned junk? The three “recipes” they lay out are “Black-Eyed Pea, Tomato, and Goat Cheese Salad”, “Grilled Shrimp, Quinoa, and Watercress Salad”, and “Watermelon-Radish, Beet and Mozzarella Salad”. Ummmm, excuse me? What are these so-called items you’ve listed and referred to as salads? When I eat a salad, my lettuce officially goes missing after I pile on the essential croutons, sunflower seeds, cheese, and dressing.

Do any of the above salad options seriously interest you in the slightest? If so, we probably shouldn’t be friends. Black-Eyed Peas are not a food, they are a musical group. Goat cheese is only delicious when it is melted in a Cajun chicken fettucine sauce. Quinoa is made from the devil’s bile. It tastes like literal dirt…and don’t get me started on the texture of quinoa…it’s like mushy pellets of some organic material discovered miles under the soil in hell’s underbelly. Watermelon should only be consumed as a fruit or soaked in vodka. (And yes, watermelon-radishes are apparently a thing. However, I wouldn’t have even the slightest clue as to how to obtain one…) Beets are in the quinoa family of dirt. And mozzarella should only be smothered on a greasy piece of delicious pizza. WHY RUIN A GOOD THING, PEOPLE!?

Hey Glamour! Ya know what’s good during the summer? Whatever is good the other three-fourths of the year: pizza, beer, beef, mac n’ cheese, and any potato product. The end.

Until next time…