More Fashion Trends I simply Cannot Pull Off 2.0

I would like to think that I KNOW what is fashionable and have an innately good sense of fashion, however, when it comes to applying it to my real life I am seriously slacking. Today, for example, I wore a sweatshirt that had a picture of a cat wearing glasses, reading a book. (It’s seriously the coziest sweatshirt I’ve ever owned.) During the winter months, you will find me daily wearing these atrocious brown, furry UGG boots that make any outfit look like I’m a freshman in college who just rolled out of her bed to haul ass to class. In all reality, I’m a 27 year old working in a respectable profession.

With all that being said, here is another compilation of current fashion trends that I, cannot, and simply will not, ever attempt. Why, you may ask? One, for fear of looking absolutely ridiculous. Two, because I have some respect for myself (well, sometimes; I left part of it on the party bus last Friday night).

If YOU are brave and adorable enough to pull these trends off, part of me applauds you. Part of me wants to kick your ass. Either way, post some pics or let me know! I want to see these trends in REAL life; not in the pages of magazines. This will allow me to fully determine if I super hate these trends or just kinda hate them. Thank you.

Trend #1: Bringing Overalls Back When I was in 6th grade, all the cool girls wore overalls with white shirts (or varying other colors of cream) tied around their waists. Do you ever wish you could go back in time and kick your own ass? This is one of those times. So unless you are currently a pre-teen snobby little witch, do yourself a favor and don’t bust out the ol’ Osh Kosh B’Goshes. Those deserve to stay in the “Donate to Boys’ Ranch” box.

Trend #2: The “Boot-dal” aka. Gladiator Sandals These atrocities deserve to stay with Maximus in the Coliseum. If I personally witnessed anybody I even mildly considered a friend wearing these things, I would probably throw gas on them and proceed to light them on fire.  Aside from the fact that you must waste at least ten minutes struggling to even get these things on, I don’t even want to know how horrifically uncomfortable they must be. And can you imagine the battle scars these things must leave up and down your legs? Not to mention the fat that must bulge out between each sweaty strap of leather. NO. Just no.

Trend #3: The GIANT Ruffle Marie Clarire believes that “oversize ruffles-on skirts, tops, even heels-seduce with a dramatic wave”. Um, no. Did you all see Paula Patton at the Academy Awards? She looked ridiculous. Was Robin Thicke hiding in there somewhere? The only Ruffles I like on my clothes are leftover crumbs after a late night potato chip binge. Shame on you, Paula.

Trend #4: Sheer

Did ya’ll recently see Kendal Jenner in all her sheer glory at New York Fashion Week? Do it. Google “Kendal Jenner sheer top”. I, personally, refuse to put her little boobies on my blog, so search away, my friends! This trend, however, needs to not happen ever again. Unless you are attempting to be sexy in the bedroom for your main squeeze, this needs to just stop on the runway. Let’s do everyone else a favor.

Trend #5: Showing off the midriff

Speaking of a Kardashian, if any of you even remotely pay attention to Kim’s fashion, you are well aware that she is all about the crop tops and skirts. I get it, she lost a bunch of weight and doesn’t have to dress like my grandma’s couch anymore, but try something else, Kimmy. I just don’t understand this trend. And to top it off, she’ll wear a coat over the ensemble. If you have to wear a coat, then your tummy shouldn’t be bare. Simple as that. To me, it appears as though you are wearing your kid sister’s shirt and it’s much too little. (“Fat guy in a little coat” just came into my head; and won’t leave.) Ok, so maybe this trend doesn’t bother me as much as Kim Kardhasion does. I’m probably being unnecessarily unfair to this trend.

And with that, I give you all permission to verbally attack and/or assault me if you ever catch me in any of the above trends. I promise I won’t sue you.

Until next time…

Give the Dudes a Little Credit

For those of you who don’t already know, I simply adore my fiance. Aside from the obvious things (the required ability to memorize and quote an absurd amount of movie lines, having the patience of a saint while I rant on and on about how much better “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” is than any wrestling-related program that has ever aired on any television ever, etc.), he is independent. Now, some of you may read this and think, ‘Ok, so the grown 25-year-old man can take care of himself; and this makes him great because…..?’ But no, I mean, guys, the man is a genius. Yes, he can fully support himself, but he is also clean, organized, and can cook. Watching him maneuver a Swiffer around is like watching Picasso create a masterpiece. With children, he’s like a male Mary Poppins. He does more laundry in a week than I do in a month, no question. And when it comes to cooking, he can do more than simply push the button on the toaster down.

I realize that not all men rank in Lance’s bracket (for, I admit, I am a bit bias), but seriously, has anyone ever noticed how straight-up stupid the media makes men look? Turn the TV on right now and I guarantee that within the span of 10 minutes you will see a commercial where the big doofey-looking husband makes a huge mess and stands there like a big, dumb idiot, not knowing where the cleaning supplies are or what to even do with them, patiently waiting for his gorgeous wife (that in all reality he could never snatch up) to come in and save the day. In fact, it was so obvious to one Massachusetts professor that he conducted a study in which he monitored commercials that aired over the course of one week during prime time television. Of 477 characters shown completing chores, 305 were women and 159 were men. Of the male characters, 50% were portrayed as “comically inept”. (In other words, dumb.) On the other hand, more than 90% of the female characters were portrayed as competent. In another study, also discussed in Real Simple, it is because of this negative stereotype that women often do not trust their husband doing housework, and that 26% of women “give their partners chores” several times a week.

This is quite genius...multi-tasking in all its glory.

This is quite genius…multi-tasking in all its glory.

Can I just go out on a limb here and say that perhaps this is a self-fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps we all dug our own grave on this one. We portray men as incompetent with housework and childcare, we then do not trust them to do it, they don’t do it, we complain that we have to do EVERYTHING around the house, and the men get off looking like idiots. Thus, the circle of life. God, that should’ve been the topic of my thesis…perhaps it would have been a more beneficial waste of my time than the snooze-worthy topic I ended up with. Ok, and one more thing…REAL SIMPLE legitimately said that women GIVE their partners chores?? GIVE? Could you make us look any more bitchy and men look any more incompetent? If a dude lays around and doesn’t help with the housework, it’s not because he’s waiting for you to GIVE him chores. He’s a lazy asshole.

Even worse, a multi-page article was written in GLAMOUR titled “How to Get Your Guy to Dress Like This Guy”. Next to the title was a picture of Jason Sudeikis dressed all dapper with an open collar and a glass of liquor in his hand. Now, part of this article was a spoof, it was in fact, written by Jason himself. However, it also was serious. The first tip was to have him wear three-piece suits when attending a wedding (I’ll be lucky if Lance wears one of those to our very own wedding). They also tell you to buy your partner four tailored shirts-two blue and two white. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! First of all, if I buy Lance clothes, it’s because he said in passing he liked that Sweatshirt or whatever article of clothing it may be. I’m not going to go buy him shirts that he himself can buy, let alone spend money getting them tailored and limiting the color selection to white and blue! Good grief. These men have been putting their legs through pants for years and years, I think they can find their own damn shirts to buy. Some other gems were: when buying a new pair of jeans for your sweetie, MAKE him wear them for one weekend. This will allow him to “break them in” and “give them a chance”. Another one? Buy him a tie clip. Ugh. I can’t even go on.

These are grown men we are talking about. They can change a tire, shingle a roof, and lay sod on an entire lawn. But yet we think they can’t load a dishwasher, make a bed, or properly clothe themselves. Come on. Get over yourself, for starters. Pick your battles. If you want to do the chores so they meet your impossible standards, then don’t bitch about having to do it. Don’t baby them. Don’t treat them like children. They are adults. They are your equals. Treat them as such. Good gravy. And if he does have a horrible fashion sense, tell him. Let’s face it-some men honestly think that wearing cut-off cargo pants looks totally appropriate for a wedding. Offer suggestions, be truly helpful, and go shopping together. It’s not rocket science, people.

Until next time…

5 Current Trends I simply can’t pull off.

Disclaimer: this post is not for the heterosexual men of the world. I mean, feel free to read on, but be prepared to be bored. My fellow sisters and curious misters, however, you rock and may read on.

Anybody who spends a measly half- minute looking through a magazine, perusing Pinterest, or flipping through the channels will see makeup, hair, fashion, and various other trends that they adore. Hey I’ve been there; the new peplum trend that has taken over the fashion world? I could not love it more if I tried. I wish every top I had was a peplum. I would love to be known as “the girl who always wears peplum”. In theory, they are fantastic. On me? Not so much. Here’s where I seriously need you to stop what you are doing, mute the TV, drop the brownie, and read the following words very carefully: Just because something looks appealing on a tiny model who would look good in a towel does not mean it will look good on you. Just because a makeup tip looks spectacular on a model who just had a professional makeup artist work on her for 2 hours does not mean it will look good on you. I know, I know…the truth can hurt and quite frankly, suck, but it had to be said. With that, I give you the top 5 beauty and fashion trends that I cannot pull of, refuse to pull of, or just don’t understand.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

1. Red Lips. Elle says it’s the beauty trend of the year that is most likely to succeed. Glamour is convinced they can help you find the perfect shade for your skin tone. I, on the other hand, have completely lost all hope. I’ve tried to rock the lipstick a few times and every time I feel like a hooker. No matter what. It never fails. By the second application, I have faithfully returned to my loyal Chapstick. And can any woman on the face of the Earth wear lipstick without fear of it being all over their teeth!? I just can’t.

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach...

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach…

out on the town...

out on the town…

and all glammed up.

and all glammed up.

2. Winged Eyeliner. Elle nominated it the look with the Most Attitude. Lauren Conrad is the queen of the subtle winged eyeliner look while Adele rocks a heavy winged look. You could not find two women who look more different but look similarly fantastic with this trend. You may be thinking, well shoot, the look can be pulled off by anyone then! No. No, it can’t. It seriously takes precision and legit practice to get it right. This cannot be worn with the above mentioned red lips or you will be picked up on the street. No question. It also needs to be worn on a night when you know crying will never happen. Translation: if you know you will be partaking in any cocktails, do NOT attempt this look. Booze=drunk girl tears.

fall-2011-trend-watch-winged-eyeliner-1690083        vs.    adele10

3. Dry Shampoo. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s the gypsy in me, but when I need to wash my hair, I need to wash my hair. All the dry shampoo in the free world could not help me. I still look like I just washed ashore after the Exon Valdez spill.

4. Printed Pants. Will someone please explain this to me? I admit that I definitely live by the analogy that less is more and simple is always classic. But what the hell is going on with the floral pants? Glamour rated it as #3 of the Top 10 Dos & Don’ts (AS A DO!). Some of these pants bring back vivd memories of this nasty silk scarf my mom used to rock in the mid-nineties that had gold chains, flowers and God knows what else printed on it. I bet I could find that thing in a closet somewhere. It’s truly hideous. Then there’s the animal print pants. I already have enough of a difficult time with animal prints, why on Earth would I want them draped across my whole lower half? Just don’t. Unless you are a girl under the age of 12, please don’t. I refuse.

I can't. They all just look ridiculous.

I can’t. They all just look ridiculous.

5. Baroque Style. Ok, I just have to…my favorite line from “Beauty & the Beast”: “And as I always say, if it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” Classic. Moving on, I don’t understand this trend. It looks awkward and uncomfortable. Heavy. It reminds me of English men during the 1700 and 1800s. I already have a sweating problem, I don’t need to add metal and ridiculous adornments onto to my clothing. I think I’d feel like I’m in some kind of midievil ensemble. I just can’t. In this case, if it’s baroque, DO fix it.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

Ok, bottom line. Wear whatever the hell you want. If you want to wear a pair of hideous printed pants and you feel like a bombshell in them, then hey, you rock those suckers like there’s no tomorrow. To each their own. But the above 5 listed trends will not be owned by me. Until next time…