I am woman. Hear me roar…for desperate ladies to zip it.

In honor of VD being right around the corner, I am back from my holiday-induced hibernation to regale my opinions with you all. Although, let’s be real, I was really too busy shoving turkey drumsticks and Christmas cookies down my gullet to stop and think about anything but my own hunger. And yet, after having to witness all the horror, my husband is still kind enough to spend the day o’ love with me (watching Walking Dead…oh my God, you guys).

Which leads me to the big “L” word……..”Lesbian”. Joking. Of course I meant “love”. (Although I am a strong proponent of lesbian love too. YAY FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY!) Some “love love” (gag me). Some do everything they can to avoid it. And then there are some who are downright desperate for it. The ones who give womankind a bad rap. The ones who have been in a relationship for a blink of an eye and are already pathetically begging for a ring. Because, didn’t you know, you guys? A ring solves everything! That rope of metal with a few diamonds thrown in there will make all your problems go away. And what could be more attractive to your male suitor than someone who needs a piece of jewelry to know that you’re committed! Your guess is as good as mine…jeesh.

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May I remind everyone that I am married and I already have the ring (call me Gollum (and if you don’t get that reference we shouldn’t be friends)) so I can unabashedly stand on my soapbox and preach (sarcasm). But, I do like to think that I am coming from a place of “been there, fucking done that.” I love my husband. We were together for almost 8 years before we got engaged. That’s 56 years in dog math. And to be truthful, I never cared about the ring. I was confident in our relationship. I loved this man. I knew he loved me. And that was enough for me. He had seen me at my worst (and my God, there have been some legit worsts-ask anyone who knew/knows me during the age range of 19-25. Woof.). But in all seriousness, I didn’t need a piece of paper telling me we were in a committed relationship.

Now, if you feel that you fall into the above criteria, then please do yourself (and your male friend) a favor and change. Now. Let me remind you that, though I may not care for most people, every person is of value. Do you have friends? Then they find some value in you. Do you have a job? Then your employer finds some sort of value in you. Do you have a dog? Then that dog finds value in you. If you are in a relationship too? Then great. That person also finds value in you. However, a ring? A DAMN RING does not find value in you. Even if the friends you have swear like sailors, eat like little Japanese men, and sometimes get too drunk to drive you home-they are your friends (shout out to my Bitches 4 Lyfe!). Even if your employer is McDonald’s and you make annoying people like me delicious McNugs-you have a job and you are contributing to our decrepit society. And even if your dog slobbers on all your furniture, leaves hair on all your clothes and pillows, and takes over the whole King bed-he still loves you more than anyone else ever will.

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So stop. Stop putting all your worth in a guy. Same is true for my bros out there. A vagina is great, but it doesn’t increase your self-worth (although some might argue). Anyway, you get what I’m getting at.

Until next time…may your Sunday be filled with whatever the hell you love.