Move Over, Tinder.

Just a few short years ago I remember thinking the concept of online dating was still totally taboo. To me, the people who took part in online dating were middle-aged homebodies who had to fight with their cats for the keyboard. But now, it’s everywhere. It’s considered entirely acceptable to meet your significant other on Tinder or match.com. In fact, I have a couple good girlfriends who met their wonderful boyfriends on Tinder. And no, they are not serial killer rapists. They’re normal, good dudes.

WILL YOU DATE ME!?! via reddit.com

PLEASE DATE ME!!!

Although my opinion of online dating has evolved, there is still the, frankly, ridiculous sites that make me cringe every time I see a commercial or hear an ad on the radio: Christian Mingle (wait, christians actively date?), Farmers Only (people want to live on farms?) or, my personal favorite, J Date. Ah, J Date, a desperate woman’s ‘land of milk and honey’ for finding a rich old Jew to spend forever with. Mazel Tov.

But if you think you’ve heard it all, you are so horribly wrong. Marie Claire published a list of dating websites that match you based on shared interests or characteristics. And let me be up front with you when I say that if you are on any of these sites we probably should no longer, or ever, interact together. I am ashamed of you and you deserve to spend eternity forever alone. Here they are:

alikewise.com – A site to find other people who loved Twilight as much as you. It matches you based on your literary tastes.

tastebuds.fm – ‘You like crying all alone to Sinead O’ Connor too? Let’s build on that.’ It matches you based on your music library.

creditscoredating.com – Exactly as it sounds.

singleswithfoodallergies.com – Again, exactly as it sounds. And no, I did NOT make this one up.

Wait-whatprescription4love.com – No, it’s not a site to watch old Ladies Man skits with Tim Meadows. This is the site that romantically matches you based on medical conditions you share! Because being in a relationship where one individual has crippling anxiety already isn’t bad enough. That’s fine, I didn’t want to leave the house ever again anyway.

datebytype.com – Matches you by blood type. Ugh.

genepartner.com – Legit CSI activity going on here. This site matches you based on your DNA compatibility which is ever-so-elegantly gathered by saliva samples.

NOPE!

NOPE!

And last, but certainly not least:  findyourfacemate.com – Because who wouldn’t want to date someone who looks similar to THEMSELVES. (Shudder.)

Just don’t. Please. I beg you.

Until next time…

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Silly Rabbit, this Crap is for You.

I remember being a little girl, opening the fridge door (most likely in hopes of discovering a hidden Capri-Sun in the veggie tray) and instead stumbled upon a cow tongue staring back at me. It was nestled in the cutest little Tupperware container and looked disgustingly out of place next to the jug of milk and the block of processed cheese. As grossed out as I was and still am by the thought of it, I do like to think my food palette is more refined than the stereotypical “Midwesterner” who thrives solely on corn and hotdish.

I am in no way, nor will I ever be, a picky eater. Put something in front of me and 99% of the time I’ll try it (except for Vegemite. Get that literal shit away from me.). However, when I came across Glamour‘s “The Salads You’ll Make All Summer” (I realize it’s now officially October…oops), I found myself thinking 1) who has this junk just laying around the ol’ pantry? and 2) who wants to eat aforementioned junk? The three “recipes” they lay out are “Black-Eyed Pea, Tomato, and Goat Cheese Salad”, “Grilled Shrimp, Quinoa, and Watercress Salad”, and “Watermelon-Radish, Beet and Mozzarella Salad”. Ummmm, excuse me? What are these so-called items you’ve listed and referred to as salads? When I eat a salad, my lettuce officially goes missing after I pile on the essential croutons, sunflower seeds, cheese, and dressing.

Do any of the above salad options seriously interest you in the slightest? If so, we probably shouldn’t be friends. Black-Eyed Peas are not a food, they are a musical group. Goat cheese is only delicious when it is melted in a Cajun chicken fettucine sauce. Quinoa is made from the devil’s bile. It tastes like literal dirt…and don’t get me started on the texture of quinoa…it’s like mushy pellets of some organic material discovered miles under the soil in hell’s underbelly. Watermelon should only be consumed as a fruit or soaked in vodka. (And yes, watermelon-radishes are apparently a thing. However, I wouldn’t have even the slightest clue as to how to obtain one…) Beets are in the quinoa family of dirt. And mozzarella should only be smothered on a greasy piece of delicious pizza. WHY RUIN A GOOD THING, PEOPLE!?

Hey Glamour! Ya know what’s good during the summer? Whatever is good the other three-fourths of the year: pizza, beer, beef, mac n’ cheese, and any potato product. The end.

Until next time…