Dear Amanda: Episode 2

As many of you know, I cannot (I repeat, CANNOT), stand the advice columns in magazines. For starters, do the people who write in not have GOOGLE, YouTube, or any semi-intelligent friends that can offer semi-legit advice? Are my girlfriends the only ones who sit around, drink wine, stuff our faces and listen to each other’s problems…followed by caring advice (“maybe making babies isn’t the best time…keep the IUD in for now”) or synonymous bitching about people we don’t even know, but don’t like because our bestie doesn’t?!? At what point do you resort to writing into a magazine for advice? Secondly, the advice the readers get is so politically correct that it makes me want to gauge my eyes out. It’s advice that is in no way, shape or form aligned to the average person in the world today. As a result, this is the column where I relay to you questions that actual readers wrote in to magazines, the advice they got, and then the advice I would give (aka the real advice).

“Ask E. Jean” is the supposed expert for Elle magazine. How a middle-aged, wealthy  British woman was determined to be someone who you would go to for general life advice is beyond me. Instead, she is someone I would want for my (possibly one day) child’s nanny. But here we go…

The real E. Jean herself.

          The real E. Jean herself.

The Question: “Standard Model” writes in stating she is an average woman living in NYC. She believes she is simply too average to attract any “romantic interest from men and establish a good career”. Her mother suggests she move to a rural town where there will be less competition in all aspects of life. Bottom line: She is questioning if she should move and if her mediocrities are keeping her from meeting a partner. 

The Response: E. Jean’s response is that it doesn’t matter where you live, the confident, flirty women win every time. She suggests that Standard Model’s mother may be onto something in that she may feel prettier, smarter, more accomplished in a smaller town.

My Response: Stop the pity party. Aside from Gisele and various other Victoria’s Secret models, we are all average woman. Get over it. Your own insecurities are what are preventing you from landing a man or the career you want. Also, may I be so bold as to state that your life and your awesomeness are not defined by whether you have a husband or a six figure salary. Next step? Tell your mom to get stuffed. Then, stop going to her for advice EVER AGAIN. What mother thinks that telling their clearly insecure daughter who is already struggling that this is sound advice?!? Good Lord. Are you a heathen? Don’t give your mom’s suggestion a second thought. Put yourself out there, do things you enjoy, step outside of your comfort zone and when you least expect it, the perfect guy and/or job will sneak up on you and take you by surprise.

Ugh, they're so hideous. Look away.

                                                 Ugh, they’re so hideous. Look away.

The Question #2: (Guys, this one is a keeper. I hope you enjoy it). “Confused and Used” writes in stating that she and a guy she works with ended up confiding in each other and getting a bit too close emotionally. This was then followed by her giving him oral sex (maybe I’m niave, but what is the rationale for stating you had an emotional conversation after the fact that his penis fell into your mouth? Pretty sure that overrides the conversation that took place, but anyway…). She then writes “He let me know I was too young for “us to have a relationship,” because he said I would “leave him when I found someone my own age.” I’m 21. He’s 37 and married. Yesterday I saw him, succumbed to temptation, and gave him oral sex again! Afterword he said he was “putting his foot down” and ending it “forever”.” Bottom line: She is questioning what she did wrong and if she should wait for him to make the next move.

The Reponse: E Jean actually gives some legit advice. In a nutshell she tells this ridiculously insane woman that she should never have fooled around with a married man, that his excuses aren’t how he really feels (he is actually afraid his wife will leave him when she finds out this 21 year child has been giving him blowies at work), that this will only hurt her career and not the dude’s, and that she needs to transfer to a different job ASAP.

My Response: Stop. Stop right now. What exactly do you feel you are getting out of this? He is getting blowies left and right, but all you are doing is setting yourself up to be hurt, be fired, or to get an STD. Don’t ever fool around with a married man ever again. Don’t ever fool around with a man you work with ever again. And don’t ever work at this place of business ever again. Leave and find a different job today.

Well, folks that is all I have on the agenda today. IF you ever feel that you have nobody to ask for advice, do yourself a favor and do not write into a magazine. Instead, ask your good ol’ friend Amanda who will tell it like it is.

Until next time…