The Grass May Be Richer, But It’s Not Always Greener

Guys, I’m back! No, I wasn’t trying to be the douchey boyfriend who suddenly drops off the face of the Earth and quits calling for no reason while you sit patiently waiting for them to come back (just so you know, they are never coming back). Instead, my laptop rudely decided it was time for us to part ways. It had been a fun run together, but I have begrudgingly accepted it’s for the best.

That being said, I am back with a new computer, and better yet, new topics I can’t wait to tackle with all my lovelies out there. For starters, we urgently need to address whatever the hell is happening in Hollywood at the current moment! The number of couples splitting up is increasing at a rate that my heart simply cannot take.

The Way They Were...

                                                            The Way They Were…

I mean, when Jen and Ben announced to the world that they were splitting, that ALONE was enough to make me retreat into the fetal position, shut the blinds, and crawl to my bed where I could cry into my Ben & Jerry’s in peace. But then, Blake and Miranda sneak up OUT OF NOWHERE and punch me right in the face when I’m not even looking. That was just a bitch move. Give us some warning, people! It’s the least you can do!

On top of that we have Kourtney and Scott, Gwen and Gavin, Reba and whatever-her-husband’s-name is (“Here’s your one chance, Fancy did let him down”-I couldn’t resist, sorry.), and now today Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox announced they are going their separate ways! Seriously, who breaks up with David Silver? Ugh, I hope he finds his Donna Martin and they can live happily ever after together. But, back to the topic at hand…What is wrong with you people?!? Oh what, all your money, good looks, nice things, and luxury vacations aren’t enough?!? What does this mean for the rest of us “normal” people in the world?!

Me learning of Ben and Jen

   Me learning of Ben and Jen

As my poor husband can attest, I have been lamenting over these aforementioned tragedies for weeks. I will be the first to admit that I am maybe a bit too enmeshed with Hollywood. When any couple from the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise break up (which is alllllll.the.time.), I feel as though my own best friend got her heart broke. (But Kaitlyn and Shawn really will make it you guys. For real this time. I mean it.) I pride myself on keeping up with the Kardashians like the best of them. And oh, what’s that you say? Julianne Hough just got engaged? Yup, already knew that yesterday. UsMagazine automatically comes up on my internet browser; it makes me feel all giddy every time I patiently wait for the photos to load. So, all this heartbreak got me to thinking…why do I care so much?

As pathetic as it is, I found myself asking, somewhat frantically, “Doesn’t anybody stay together anymore?!” And then it hit me. These are not normal people. Yes, they have feelings and emotions like everyone else. Sure, they are heartbroken and thinking how daunting it sounds to move on and start over. BUT their lives are not normal. They spend weeks/months apart. They are constantly in the public eye. They cannot go buy a carton of milk without TMZ popping out from behind a runaway shopping cart. Every single thing they do on a daily basis is examined with a microscope. Every action is analyzed and results in constant speculation. How could that not destroy a relationship over time? Just think if that were you…BREAKING NEWS: Amanda Swenson pumped her own gas AND bought a King Size Twix bar. What does this mean for her marriage? Headed for divorce?!?

Just look at this picture of Ben and Jen at Disneyland over the weekend (which brings up a whole other aspect of putting up a “united front”; you know Jen wants to gauge Ben’s eyes out. Give up the charade, you aren’t fooling a soul.). They are at Disneyland, the happiest damn place in the world, and he looks like he would rather risk contracting tetanus by pulling out his teeth with a pair of rusty pliers.

The point of my tirade is this: you are not these people. You do not live in their world. So whether your significant other is your spouse, your dog, or Total Divas, appreciate it, love the shit out of it, and keep the outside world out of the relationship. And thank God, you aren’t ever photographed buying milk in your sweatpants, without makeup.

But PLEASE leave the velour sweatpants at home. Thank you.

     But PLEASE leave the velour sweatpants at home. Thank you.

Until next time…