Disclaimer: this post is not for the heterosexual men of the world. I mean, feel free to read on, but be prepared to be bored. My fellow sisters and curious misters, however, you rock and may read on.
Anybody who spends a measly half- minute looking through a magazine, perusing Pinterest, or flipping through the channels will see makeup, hair, fashion, and various other trends that they adore. Hey I’ve been there; the new peplum trend that has taken over the fashion world? I could not love it more if I tried. I wish every top I had was a peplum. I would love to be known as “the girl who always wears peplum”. In theory, they are fantastic. On me? Not so much. Here’s where I seriously need you to stop what you are doing, mute the TV, drop the brownie, and read the following words very carefully: Just because something looks appealing on a tiny model who would look good in a towel does not mean it will look good on you. Just because a makeup tip looks spectacular on a model who just had a professional makeup artist work on her for 2 hours does not mean it will look good on you. I know, I know…the truth can hurt and quite frankly, suck, but it had to be said. With that, I give you the top 5 beauty and fashion trends that I cannot pull of, refuse to pull of, or just don’t understand.
1. Red Lips. Elle says it’s the beauty trend of the year that is most likely to succeed. Glamour is convinced they can help you find the perfect shade for your skin tone. I, on the other hand, have completely lost all hope. I’ve tried to rock the lipstick a few times and every time I feel like a hooker. No matter what. It never fails. By the second application, I have faithfully returned to my loyal Chapstick. And can any woman on the face of the Earth wear lipstick without fear of it being all over their teeth!? I just can’t.
2. Winged Eyeliner. Elle nominated it the look with the Most Attitude. Lauren Conrad is the queen of the subtle winged eyeliner look while Adele rocks a heavy winged look. You could not find two women who look more different but look similarly fantastic with this trend. You may be thinking, well shoot, the look can be pulled off by anyone then! No. No, it can’t. It seriously takes precision and legit practice to get it right. This cannot be worn with the above mentioned red lips or you will be picked up on the street. No question. It also needs to be worn on a night when you know crying will never happen. Translation: if you know you will be partaking in any cocktails, do NOT attempt this look. Booze=drunk girl tears.
3. Dry Shampoo. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s the gypsy in me, but when I need to wash my hair, I need to wash my hair. All the dry shampoo in the free world could not help me. I still look like I just washed ashore after the Exon Valdez spill.
4. Printed Pants. Will someone please explain this to me? I admit that I definitely live by the analogy that less is more and simple is always classic. But what the hell is going on with the floral pants? Glamour rated it as #3 of the Top 10 Dos & Don’ts (AS A DO!). Some of these pants bring back vivd memories of this nasty silk scarf my mom used to rock in the mid-nineties that had gold chains, flowers and God knows what else printed on it. I bet I could find that thing in a closet somewhere. It’s truly hideous. Then there’s the animal print pants. I already have enough of a difficult time with animal prints, why on Earth would I want them draped across my whole lower half? Just don’t. Unless you are a girl under the age of 12, please don’t. I refuse.
5. Baroque Style. Ok, I just have to…my favorite line from “Beauty & the Beast”: “And as I always say, if it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” Classic. Moving on, I don’t understand this trend. It looks awkward and uncomfortable. Heavy. It reminds me of English men during the 1700 and 1800s. I already have a sweating problem, I don’t need to add metal and ridiculous adornments onto to my clothing. I think I’d feel like I’m in some kind of midievil ensemble. I just can’t. In this case, if it’s baroque, DO fix it.
Ok, bottom line. Wear whatever the hell you want. If you want to wear a pair of hideous printed pants and you feel like a bombshell in them, then hey, you rock those suckers like there’s no tomorrow. To each their own. But the above 5 listed trends will not be owned by me. Until next time…