5 Current Trends I simply can’t pull off.

Disclaimer: this post is not for the heterosexual men of the world. I mean, feel free to read on, but be prepared to be bored. My fellow sisters and curious misters, however, you rock and may read on.

Anybody who spends a measly half- minute looking through a magazine, perusing Pinterest, or flipping through the channels will see makeup, hair, fashion, and various other trends that they adore. Hey I’ve been there; the new peplum trend that has taken over the fashion world? I could not love it more if I tried. I wish every top I had was a peplum. I would love to be known as “the girl who always wears peplum”. In theory, they are fantastic. On me? Not so much. Here’s where I seriously need you to stop what you are doing, mute the TV, drop the brownie, and read the following words very carefully: Just because something looks appealing on a tiny model who would look good in a towel does not mean it will look good on you. Just because a makeup tip looks spectacular on a model who just had a professional makeup artist work on her for 2 hours does not mean it will look good on you. I know, I know…the truth can hurt and quite frankly, suck, but it had to be said. With that, I give you the top 5 beauty and fashion trends that I cannot pull of, refuse to pull of, or just don’t understand.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

Could these peps be any cuter? I think not.

1. Red Lips. Elle says it’s the beauty trend of the year that is most likely to succeed. Glamour is convinced they can help you find the perfect shade for your skin tone. I, on the other hand, have completely lost all hope. I’ve tried to rock the lipstick a few times and every time I feel like a hooker. No matter what. It never fails. By the second application, I have faithfully returned to my loyal Chapstick. And can any woman on the face of the Earth wear lipstick without fear of it being all over their teeth!? I just can’t.

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach...

Ri-Ri rocks the red lips on the beach…

out on the town...

out on the town…

and all glammed up.

and all glammed up.

2. Winged Eyeliner. Elle nominated it the look with the Most Attitude. Lauren Conrad is the queen of the subtle winged eyeliner look while Adele rocks a heavy winged look. You could not find two women who look more different but look similarly fantastic with this trend. You may be thinking, well shoot, the look can be pulled off by anyone then! No. No, it can’t. It seriously takes precision and legit practice to get it right. This cannot be worn with the above mentioned red lips or you will be picked up on the street. No question. It also needs to be worn on a night when you know crying will never happen. Translation: if you know you will be partaking in any cocktails, do NOT attempt this look. Booze=drunk girl tears.

fall-2011-trend-watch-winged-eyeliner-1690083        vs.    adele10

3. Dry Shampoo. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s the gypsy in me, but when I need to wash my hair, I need to wash my hair. All the dry shampoo in the free world could not help me. I still look like I just washed ashore after the Exon Valdez spill.

4. Printed Pants. Will someone please explain this to me? I admit that I definitely live by the analogy that less is more and simple is always classic. But what the hell is going on with the floral pants? Glamour rated it as #3 of the Top 10 Dos & Don’ts (AS A DO!). Some of these pants bring back vivd memories of this nasty silk scarf my mom used to rock in the mid-nineties that had gold chains, flowers and God knows what else printed on it. I bet I could find that thing in a closet somewhere. It’s truly hideous. Then there’s the animal print pants. I already have enough of a difficult time with animal prints, why on Earth would I want them draped across my whole lower half? Just don’t. Unless you are a girl under the age of 12, please don’t. I refuse.

I can't. They all just look ridiculous.

I can’t. They all just look ridiculous.

5. Baroque Style. Ok, I just have to…my favorite line from “Beauty & the Beast”: “And as I always say, if it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” Classic. Moving on, I don’t understand this trend. It looks awkward and uncomfortable. Heavy. It reminds me of English men during the 1700 and 1800s. I already have a sweating problem, I don’t need to add metal and ridiculous adornments onto to my clothing. I think I’d feel like I’m in some kind of midievil ensemble. I just can’t. In this case, if it’s baroque, DO fix it.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

So Miranda looks amazing, but the rest look uncomfortable.

Ok, bottom line. Wear whatever the hell you want. If you want to wear a pair of hideous printed pants and you feel like a bombshell in them, then hey, you rock those suckers like there’s no tomorrow. To each their own. But the above 5 listed trends will not be owned by me. Until next time…

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A ring don’t mean jack.

While some of you know, I am engaged to a wonderful man. He seriously doesn’t get nearly enough credit for putting up with me for I know I can be terribly obnoxious and my behavior often borders on straight-up hysteria. (We won’t get into the dirty deets because quite frankly I come out on the other side in a negative light.) But through it all, he is always so level-headed and often has to talk me down from the proverbial ledge. As if that wasn’t enough, this crazy kid decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Ha, I fooled him. I’m waiting for him to run the hell the other way like a recently freed man from Shawshank.

Anyway, we’ve been together for almost 6 years and we have encountered the endless barrage of questions regarding “our timeline.” For the longest time it was “Do you think he is the one?”. Then once a few years passed by and I finally decided that he wasn’t too shabby and I might want to keep him, I had to deal with, “When will you guys get engaged?”, “Have you looked at rings?”, “Have you talked about marriage?” etc, etc. Now that he’s put a ring on it, we have had to collectively fight off the obnoxious wedding, moving in together, having children probes. And can I just say at this current moment in my life I would rather be struck down by a garden hoe than bring forth a child into this world. KNOCK ON FRICKEN WOOD, PEOPLE!

Now, I understand (some of) my family and friends asking this; they are simply curious and involved in my life enough to want to know and I’ll be the first to admit that I ask my friends these very same questions. But you INEVITABLY get the girl from high school- who was two years younger than you and is friends with your cousin’s best friend who you met once while at a 6th grade sleepover when prank calling fellow 6th grade dreamboats-who feels she is somehow privy to this information. So obnoxious. Seriously. Ok, enough ranting. I’m getting seriously sidetracked.

THE POINT I was trying to make was that everyone is always in such a rush with their significant other to get engaged, married, have kids, yada yada. But then what?! You become so busy you watch your life fly by without ever going to Disney World (yes, I still harbor some serious resentment for my parents never bringing me) or go to Santorini, Greece (cough, cough, Lance…honeymoon idea. Whaaat?). Which brings me to my little tidbit I found in Marie Claire regarding a recent study done at Cornell University which found that wedded couples aren’t necessarily happier than their cohabitating equals. So throw that in your Aunt Elma’s face next time she asks why you two are living in sin together and waiting for the bowels of hell to suck you up. I know I’ve talked about this before, but like the article says, “What really matters is the quality of the relationship, not whether [you’re married].”

Seems like common sense but so important to remember. Wow, this post started in one direction and ended up in outer space. My apologies. Until next time…

Thank you for being a friend…

The-golden-girlsDon’t even get me started…I start singing this song and before you know it I’m tucked in my bed with all the seasons of “Golden Girls”, in their neatly packaged DVD sets (yes, my sister owns every season, knows pretty much every word & has an unhealthy obsession with the show; she’s amazing and I’m jealous), busted out and am suddenly the 5th member of their Florida home, wearing the most atrocious jewelry and ensembles you can possibly imagine while still being cool.

Clearly, this post is about friends. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but BEEP-fricken-BEEP! I have some pretty spectacular friends and I’m quite certain that mine are better than yours. Neener neener neener. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how important each and every one of them are to me. There are those you see far too much and then there are those you rarely see but when you get together it’s like you were never apart and you’re suddenly sharing a humiliating sex story without even the slightest bit of shame. There are the friends who come to you for advice and there are those that you turn to for advice when you get dumped or when you need to know which sweater looks better with the black pair of skinny jeans you just bought (life or death problems here, folks). There are those that stand up for you and are your protectors, yelling at random drunks at the bar for you while others you feel like you have to take under your wing and risk all humiliation by buying them countless pregnancy tests from Walmart in the middle of the night. Whatever the case, each of them is your friend for their own special unique reason and you have been friends for as long as you have because those reasons are keeping them in your life. You need them.

So when I came across a Modern Manners section in yet another REAL SIMPLE magazine (you all know how much I adore this mag…sarcasm is underlying this statement, if you really didn’t know) titled “Is it ever appropriate to spill a friend’s secret?”, I immediately thought of my bizzos that I love and adore. I’ll be the first to admit that I have not always kept friends’ secrets. Am I proud of it? No. But as I have gotten older, that has changed. Sitting here now I can honestly say that no, I would never spill a friend’s secret UNLESS (and this is the mental health worker in me) that person was going to hurt themself or others. Aside from that, no, I wouldn’t. I swear.

Now when I think of my friends’ secrets that have tested my ability to keep my mouth shut, I think of them telling me they slept with so-and-so or they are pregnant or they are planning on ending their relationship. Stuff that REALLY matters, people. So what does REAL SIMPLE bring up as an example of spilling a friend’s secret? Hand to God, I couldn’t make this stuff up….the secret ingredient in a beef barley soup recipe. First of all, gross. Who wants a beef barley soup recipe?! Second of all, who the hell cares if you tell someone that your friend buys chicken stock instead of making their own? Ugh. Rich people.

Anyway, that brings me to another friend-themed article I came across. This past fall, GLAMOUR did an article about friendship DO’s and DON’Ts written by the ever-so-wise Snooki and J-Woww. Now, if I hopped in a time machine and wrote this article a few months back I would have slammed this article left and right. I would have shamed you for watching “Jersey Shore” and for perpetuating this show’s popularity by buying into it all. Yada yada yada. However, after getting sucked into the entire series on Netflix I now adore it. So what, my writing is completely opinionated and subjective. Don’t like it? Don’t care. Anyway, as much as I cringe at some of the housemates’ decisions (hello, Seasons 1, 2, 3 & 4 of Ron and Sam!), I do have to say that Snooks and Jenni have a true friendship. They get mad at each other. They fight. They may tell each other things you don’t want to hear. Translation: they are best friends.

Snooks and J-Woww all glammed up.

Snooks and J-Woww all glammed up.

Here are their list of Do’s & Don’ts:

DON’T lie. Ever-not even about looks. (Ok, I think this specific situation depends on the friend. There are some friends where I wouldn’t even bat an eye telling them, “O my God, you look ridiculous, go change now.” And then there are some where if they were wearing the same exact outfit I would say, “Hmmm, I don’t think that top looks very good with those pants. Let’s find something different.” and then go help them. Feelings, people. Know your friends boundaries and what does and doesn’t cut a little.)

DO respect each other’s opinions about men. (Yes, you should respect their decisions, but it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.)

DON’T try to make the friendship a democracy if a dictatorship works. (Translation: if you’re totally content with the other pal making plans all the time, then run with it. If it bothers you and you want a say, speak the hell up.)

DO cultivate a Culture of Two. (Do special things for each other. Build your OWN bond which can be hard when you have a large group of friends.)

DO give each other nicknames. (Anybody who spends 1 minute with my friends will know our nicknames. Some are sweet, some are very un-endearing. The popular ones? Tits, Boo, Love, and Bitch. It’s real, people.)

DO make a display of your affection. (No, you don’t have to pull a Snooki and Deena and literally make out together. But be there for each other. If you don’t like your boobs being grabbed, then do not, I repeat, do not, hang out with my friends. Ever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

DON’T think short-term. Instead, plan [ahead]. (Totally acceptable to plan out where you will all live in a cul-de-sac together and how you will rotate carpool with your respective kids. Totally normal. Not weird in the least.)

Bottom line. Be a good friend. Even if it makes YOU uncomfortable, get over it. Work to create the friendships where you will be there for each other years from now. After the kids have left the house. After the husband has gone through his mid-life crisis and left you high and dry. After you both can’t live on your own anymore and need to check into a nursing home. And to all my loving, creative, beautiful, hilarious lady (and guy) friends out there…thank you for being a friend.

Until next time…