And a SNIP SNIP here, a SNIP SNIP there…

NC-17 rating people! Hide yo’ kids! This post is not for the squeamish of heart! That being said, when I came across this article it was simply too fantastic to just skim over and not write about! The article, titled “A Cut Below”, in Marie Claire discusses the relatively recent phenomena that is known as….brace for it, vaginal rejuvenation. Did you squirm a little bit? Such a lovely term for such an icky procedure. I admit it, at times I can be a bit immature. Simply saying the word “vagina” makes me utterly uncomfortable. You are much more likely to hear me refer to it elegantly as the vajay or vajeen (phonetic spelling, people).

Ewwwwww.

The article begins with the author attending a two-day presentation on gynocosmetology, aka plastic surgery for one’s lady parts. My first thought was, Dear Lord, this topic needs two WHOLE days to be discussed?!!? However, apparently, it does. The big head honcho of vaginal rejuvenation goes on to tell the crowd that women are willing to pay big bucks to have an “exuberant vagina”. Now, although I am a woman, I am by no means an expert in this field, however, an exuberant vagina? What does that even mean? Mine certainly doesn’t sing karaoke or bust out in an impromptu jig from time to time. It must be a…what is the opposite of exuberant?…shy?…it must be a shy one.

Now, I will spare everyone the details of how and what is done to give one a perky “area”, but let’s get some numbers out there. According to this article, there were 53,332 vaginal rejuvenation performed by US doctors in 2009! Can I just jump on my soapbox for a minute here while I rant and rave about how utterly preposterous this is to me? For starters, some women literally do need surgery after suffering traumatic situations, pregnancies (wait, pregnancy wasn’t categorized under traumatic situations?), or diseases, such as cancer, and I would never judge someone for that. However, think of what that money could have been used for instead in these other vain circumstances! Think about the plastic surgery that some children NEED for cleft palettes or the surgery that some people NEED simply to survive…and instead, there are women out there to spend their money on such a thing. The frivolity of it all infuriates me. All for something that only a few people (ok, maybe crowds depending on who you are and what your profession is) will see anyway. Ok, whew, I feel somewhat better. Onto stat #2: more than 60% of these procedures are done on women 20-39. Um, jigga whaaaaaa?! How does the term “rejuvenation” fit in there when someone is under 40?! They still haven’t even officially gone over the hill yet to need reinvention on the other side. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, I don’t want to hear it.

The article even goes on to discuss how in many cultures women must present themselves on their wedding night as a virgin (Wait, I mean, every women does that. In all cultures. All the time. No question about it., Mom.) However, many may “fall off the wagon” before their big night. So what can we do? Should we be brave and tell our future husband? Should we do the right thing; tell the truth and build a relationship based on honesty? OR should we get a quick nip and tuck in there, also known as hymenoplasty, to physically become a virgin again? The last one…DING DING DING! One very wise professional in the field even went on to say “These surgeries save relationships. Breasts catch a man, but a tight vagina keeps him.” Don’t even get me started on the never-ending arguments to attack these ever-so-philosophical statements!

If any women out there are still pondering whether to go under the knife, I’ll conclude with the following. These surgeries can result in infection, bleeding, painful intercourse (for the rest of your life, not just in the few weeks that follow the procedure), lifelong scarring, etc. However, even more important to me, if one is thinking of doing this to “save their relationship”; STOP. Seriously, call me and I will fly to where you are to slap you across the face. You are truly delusional to think that a) this will fix anything in your relationship and b) your relationship is based on love and appreciation for one another. If it has come to this, it is not. Find someone who will love your lady parts just the way they are. Exuberant or not.

Maybe it’s just me but I always thought that all heterosexual men were happy as clams  to be anywhere in the vicinity of any aforementioned clam.

Until next time…

 

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One thought on “And a SNIP SNIP here, a SNIP SNIP there…

  1. Perfection. Seriously, I got scared when I went under the knife to have my wisdom teeth taken out. My vag is for sex and pushing out babies, and if my partner doesn’t think it’s good enough for those two things, then he’s not good enough for me.

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