And a SNIP SNIP here, a SNIP SNIP there…

NC-17 rating people! Hide yo’ kids! This post is not for the squeamish of heart! That being said, when I came across this article it was simply too fantastic to just skim over and not write about! The article, titled “A Cut Below”, in Marie Claire discusses the relatively recent phenomena that is known as….brace for it, vaginal rejuvenation. Did you squirm a little bit? Such a lovely term for such an icky procedure. I admit it, at times I can be a bit immature. Simply saying the word “vagina” makes me utterly uncomfortable. You are much more likely to hear me refer to it elegantly as the vajay or vajeen (phonetic spelling, people).

Ewwwwww.

The article begins with the author attending a two-day presentation on gynocosmetology, aka plastic surgery for one’s lady parts. My first thought was, Dear Lord, this topic needs two WHOLE days to be discussed?!!? However, apparently, it does. The big head honcho of vaginal rejuvenation goes on to tell the crowd that women are willing to pay big bucks to have an “exuberant vagina”. Now, although I am a woman, I am by no means an expert in this field, however, an exuberant vagina? What does that even mean? Mine certainly doesn’t sing karaoke or bust out in an impromptu jig from time to time. It must be a…what is the opposite of exuberant?…shy?…it must be a shy one.

Now, I will spare everyone the details of how and what is done to give one a perky “area”, but let’s get some numbers out there. According to this article, there were 53,332 vaginal rejuvenation performed by US doctors in 2009! Can I just jump on my soapbox for a minute here while I rant and rave about how utterly preposterous this is to me? For starters, some women literally do need surgery after suffering traumatic situations, pregnancies (wait, pregnancy wasn’t categorized under traumatic situations?), or diseases, such as cancer, and I would never judge someone for that. However, think of what that money could have been used for instead in these other vain circumstances! Think about the plastic surgery that some children NEED for cleft palettes or the surgery that some people NEED simply to survive…and instead, there are women out there to spend their money on such a thing. The frivolity of it all infuriates me. All for something that only a few people (ok, maybe crowds depending on who you are and what your profession is) will see anyway. Ok, whew, I feel somewhat better. Onto stat #2: more than 60% of these procedures are done on women 20-39. Um, jigga whaaaaaa?! How does the term “rejuvenation” fit in there when someone is under 40?! They still haven’t even officially gone over the hill yet to need reinvention on the other side. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, I don’t want to hear it.

The article even goes on to discuss how in many cultures women must present themselves on their wedding night as a virgin (Wait, I mean, every women does that. In all cultures. All the time. No question about it., Mom.) However, many may “fall off the wagon” before their big night. So what can we do? Should we be brave and tell our future husband? Should we do the right thing; tell the truth and build a relationship based on honesty? OR should we get a quick nip and tuck in there, also known as hymenoplasty, to physically become a virgin again? The last one…DING DING DING! One very wise professional in the field even went on to say “These surgeries save relationships. Breasts catch a man, but a tight vagina keeps him.” Don’t even get me started on the never-ending arguments to attack these ever-so-philosophical statements!

If any women out there are still pondering whether to go under the knife, I’ll conclude with the following. These surgeries can result in infection, bleeding, painful intercourse (for the rest of your life, not just in the few weeks that follow the procedure), lifelong scarring, etc. However, even more important to me, if one is thinking of doing this to “save their relationship”; STOP. Seriously, call me and I will fly to where you are to slap you across the face. You are truly delusional to think that a) this will fix anything in your relationship and b) your relationship is based on love and appreciation for one another. If it has come to this, it is not. Find someone who will love your lady parts just the way they are. Exuberant or not.

Maybe it’s just me but I always thought that all heterosexual men were happy as clams  to be anywhere in the vicinity of any aforementioned clam.

Until next time…

 

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Dear Amanda

Today was a foul day. A co-worker got canned, who let’s face it, I didn’t care for much anyway, but now have her workload to deal with. Lovely. Perhaps it is because of this extremely unpleasant mood I am presently in that I picked the current topic for today’s post.

For those of you who have read REAL SIMPLE magazine, I apologize. So much money and time wasted…it’s a shame. For starters, the magazine is geared towards middle-aged upper class women who have an abundance of time and money on their hands to fix their “problems”. Translation: Somebody like myself should not even get within a 10 foot radius of said magazine. The only reason I have had the displeasure of coming across this publication is because my twin sister got a free subscription. True story. Ok, enough bashing (but it feels so good!). Moving on…

ANYWAY, I was reading an article titled, “How do I deal with coworkers who don’t respect my boundaries?” in the Modern Manners section. The first part of my rant will deal with possible situations one might encounter in their daily work day and how to appropriately handle it.

Potential situation #1: Over time, coworkers  become comfortable with you and begin to express opinions about your personal life. So what do you do if someone gives you unsolicited advice? Answer: Put your finger to your lips and say, “Shhhh. I don’t want the boss to think that we spend all day gossiping instead of working.” O God, gag me. Don’t all bosses know their employees spend all day gossiping and not working? Duh. Have you ever watched any TV show or movie? Everybody knows that nobody REALLY works but money just magically appears. Ok, but that wasn’t even my point for this situation. If someone is giving you advice that you didn’t ask for, or more importantly, find disrespectful, tell them. There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it? If that doesn’t work, I personally have found putting my ear buds in and turning around does the trick wonderfully.

Potential situation #2: Some colleagues tend to overshare. Someone starts to talk about their sex life with you. Answer: Touch her arm gently and say, “You should be discreet about what you talk about in the office. This is private information, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want someone else to overhear.” Ok, for starters, I work with a bunch of middle-aged women who’s biggest problems are remembering to take their BEAN-O before lunch, so let’s be honest, I do not care to hear about their stories. And let’s face it, we all know that people over 40 don’t ever have sex. Right? Right, guys?!? Ew. Anyway, let’s get real. If I hear homegirl in the next cubical chatting about what homeboy and her did last night, you can bet I’m gonna pull out those ear buds and listen. No question about it. Who doesn’t want to hear this stuff?! Hey, in my opinion what I can hear over those cubicle walls might as well be spoken directly to me. Totally rational.

“Say whaaaaaaat?”

Anyway, moving on from the workplace. The column then went on to answer other “everyday” questions. Read this little kicker: “Recently my friend found a great babysitter. I asked if she would share the sitter’s information with me. To my surprise, she refused, saying I should find my own child care. I feel offended. Am I overreacting?” Now let’s just skip what the columnist responds with and go to the good choice: my response. NO, you are not overreacting! Your friend is being a gigantic biz and needs to be kicked in the face. If that doesn’t make her give up the contact information, look on Craigslist…I’m sure you could find a totally reliable and safe option on there. And no, you don’t need to worry about meeting them beforehand. So what if “Maggie” the 16 year old you hired shows up at your door as Fred, a 58 year old balding man? No big.

Totally harmless.

Until next time…