Thanks for the lay…now get out.

I am not a frequent reader of Elle magazine, but when I stumbled upon their monthly advice column Ask E. Jean, I found myself reading with my mouth literally open in what was either astonishment or difficulty breathing due to the local high pollen alert. Either way, the first question that a devoted Elle reader wrote immediately caught my attention. Without boring you with the details, I’ll get to the good stuff. She writes:

My girlfriends and I want to know why men we meet keep sleeping over after sex instead of getting dressed and leaving like men are supposed to! We try to come up with the perfect way to get them to leave without making them mad, but we can’t find the words.

Before I even read the advice, I immediately thought ‘Miss Thang, don’t flatter yourself! All the dude wants is a little slap & tickle and then be on his merry way!’. But then I began thinking about a recent story from a friend of mine whose sexual escapades never cease in hilarity. In a nut shell, the same thing happened to her. The kicker? It was the same guy twice and he ended up getting furious with her when he was asked to leave! Picture this: grown adult man (although I am questioning now if “adult”
is an adequate adjective for this fellow after hearing the tantrum he threw), standing there naked, only wearing socks, yelling obscenities, and trying to make, yet failing miserably at, a grandiose exit.

So now to the dessert portion of our meal…E. Jean answers by giving these three sagely tips:

1. Immediately upon seeing him, greet him with a kiss and say, “I can’t let you keep me up too late, darling, it’s a school night.”

2. When you arrive home and reach the bedroom, whisper, “Since you have to leave so early tonight, I hope I can see you next Saturday.”

3. When you send him out at the door pop a bagel in a bag, hand it to him, and say, “Breakfast for my gangsta boy!”

You guys, I am not making this up. This was her real advice. I found myself shouting at the page, “WHAT ARE THIS WOMAN’S CREDENTIALS?!” The obvious flaw being what guy wants to be handed a bagel…it should be more like, can I get an order of Buffalo Wild Wings or a nice slab of ribeye steak on the way out? And secondly, what decent man, who does not have an oversized ego the size of their, what is sure to be, gelled up Guido hair, wants to be called anyone’s ‘gangsta boy’?

I may not be the leading expert in the field of one-night-stand-and-then-be-on-your-way-ology, but I’m even more positive that Ms. E. Jean is even less of an expert than I to have given such incredulous advice.

Until next time…

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